Strange Dreams
I have always been someone who has dreamt very vividly. When I was younger I used to wake up and frantically write down my many strange dreams as soon I opened my eyes so that I wouldn’t forget them. This is a habit which has sadly not stuck. Until a couple of weeks ago.
A close friend of mine who also worked as a teacher for many years, changing careers in 2018 after over a decade in the profession, warned me that I would likely be dreaming about things related to school for a good few months after leaving. I shrugged it off thinking that I’ve dreamt of far stranger things than that and what harm would a little school dream have. It becomes pretty standard practise to have one of your colleagues or students invade your slumber, usually around results days, back to school time or the dreaded Ofsted. I left my last teaching job twelve weeks ago and was feeling quite smug at the fact that I was yet to have a school dream. I was happy in the mindset that I had managed to swerve any unnecessary nostalgia or regret (typical of my character) and was secure in my new life and routine, no longer a teacher. Well, how wrong I was. The experience that I had during my last memorable dream was nothing short of terrifying. I won’t even give this dream the honour of calling it that as it was much closer to a nightmare, but in such an insidious and quietly threatening way that it had me consciously entering my dream and waking myself up, Nightmare on Elm Street Style. So whilst my last few posts have focused on the political rather than the personal, this time I will be keeping it simple and telling you a story. I need to get it off my chest more than anything else in the hope that I will never see it again.
So why was this so bad you might be thinking? Well for starters it was one of those dreams that really feel like they have been going on for HOURS. The type that makes you question with every bone in your body that scientific fact, the one that we are always taught about dreaming and that never seems wholly convincing, that you only actually dream for a maximum of two hours a night regardless of what it feels like. Well, let me tell you. This dream felt longer than all three parts of the Godfather played one after the other and left me feeling like I’d been hit by a heavy goods vehicle upon opening my eyes.
Most of the early part of the dream got lost upon waking up. Rather than returning to my childhood habits, I made the mistake of not thinking about it all straight away and so within moments it was washed away into the dream abyss, never to be seen again (probably a blessing based on how the dream continued). I did however immediately think about the later part of the dream probably because it was so stressful and so vivid and now regrettably, I cannot get it out of my mind.
So from what I can recall, I was visiting the school that I have just left to say hello to the staff and some of the students. In typical dream style, I knew that it was my old school but it looked very different. It had the look and feel of a sprawling university campus and I can remember clearly thinking that I didn’t want to get lost and separated from my old work colleagues. Although I don’t remember the journey there entirely, I knew that we had taken a fleet of minibuses to the campus as it was in a remote location on top of a cliff. Aside from the underlying mild anxiety about being left on my own in this unknown place this part of the dream was quite pleasant. Many of my past students who I have had particularly strong relationships over the past years were there and the vibes were high as I was reunited with them, each one that I saw greeting me with a big hug and lots of warmth. Although it didn’t play an active role in the dream, Covid is obviously on my mind as, I remember wondering if it was appropriate to hug my ex students due to social distancing guidelines. Give us a break now ‘Rona!
The purpose of the visit was unclear but the whole staff team were there including all of my real life friends from my last school. What was very significant about the dream was the weather. Taking place outside, we were being constantly threatened by an imposing climate that I can best describe as heavy. The looming grey clouds hung in the air with a heaviness that hinted that an enormous storm was on the way. Even though at this point of the dream it seemed to be early afternoon the threat of darkness approaching felt very real. I was in a constant state of apprehension with almost a feeling of foreboding, though it was unclear why.
You might be thinking that none of this sounds that bad? So now for the worst part of the dream.
As is typical to my personality, clearly I was taking too long to say goodbye to the students. Although I couldn’t relax due to this fear of being left alone in this unknown place. I was aware that as the light was fading everyone was gradually leaving although it wasn’t clear where to. There were some people milling around, other students I assume but I didn’t know who they were so I realised it was time to make my way to the carpark. At this point it was starting to rain and a loud and fierce wind was starting to rear its ugly head. I managed to find my way to the car park, beginning to panic mildly but was relieved to see that there was still one of the minibuses that we had arrived in waiting in the car park. I was also relieved to see that all of my teacher friends were there too and I was excited to leave this strange and unknown place that was making me feel so uneasy. But here is where the first complication arose. There were only eight seats but nine people including me. As I called to them to wait for me they all began to shout back, “there’s no seat for you”. I turned around for a split second to take my phone from my bag to see if I was able to call an Uber but I was greeted by a dying battery. When I looked up to the bus again, everyone had got on and it was driving away. Panicking I called my friends one after the other, desperately hoping that my battery would hold out, but not one of them answered and then seconds later, my phone died. I felt sick to my stomach with no idea what I would do or even where I was.
At this point it wasn’t yet completely deserted and so I decided to take a chance and just follow some random people who were walking away from the campus as I thought they might be going to a station but as I was starting to walk saw a girl who I recognised, relief flooding through my body. She immediately took me under her wing although it didn’t turn out to be the comfort I was looking for.
She led me to a building in the corner of the car park which sat high on top of a cliff. Confidently marching to the back of it and snaking round the corner, I will never forget what greeted me.
Below us sat what I can only describe as some sort of dystopian post apocalyptic beach. Resembling a Hieronymus Bosch painting all I could see was bright yellow, almost nuclear sand which when you focused your eyes and looked closer was interspersed with the most dangerous looking sharp rocks that you have ever seen. Furiously beating on to this sand rock hybrid was what looked like an acid sea, almost fizzing with waves that even the most seasoned surfer wouldn’t go near. There was no doubt about it, this was a beach from another world and definitely one that you wouldn’t go anywhere near. It was exceptionally steep but not very wide so it looked immensely threatening and dangerous. Visible all around were battered old signs directing you to steer clear. My heart was racing at the fact that I was even standing so close to it. You could almost hear it hissing at you. Next to the building that myself and the girl were standing by was a very narrow walkway which was hemmed in by barbed wire with about six inches between the wire and the wall. The girl proceeded to squeeze herself between the wire and the wall in an attempt to shorten our walk time in this “cut through”. I was massively apprehensive but also too scared to be left on my own so followed her despite the fact that I was getting badly savaged by the barbed wire as it scratched and scraped the skin on my torso. The mysterious girl however was managing to get past it with relative ease, avoiding any scratches at all as she was very slim, far smaller than me. When we reached the end of the barbed wire she jumped down onto the nuclear beach, reassuring me that we only had to walk on it for five minutes to reach where we were going. Where that was was still entirely a mystery at this point, all I knew was that this girl was my only safety, despite the fact that this situation felt unbelievably dangerous, as the furious acid waves attacked the rocks so dangerously close to us. It was at this point when the dream became too much for me and my real self intervened, waking me up and leaving me in a pool of sweat, a nervous wreck in my bedroom.
When I had eventually shaken the dream off, I couldn’t help but start to unpick what I thought the meaning of it might be. I’m no expert but it is clear that despite what I might be convincing myself of, I am not quite as free of fear as I thought. Whether it is the unknown, the future or leaving my friends, there is clearly a lot on my mind. Because leaving the security of a job that I knew inside out that had in many ways, become a large part of my identity during a global pandemic was never going to be easy. Plans for everyone have changed, situations have altered and lockdown chapter two is looming - we are all just doing our best to get by but we are all in it together. So I will continue to do everything that I can to embrace the unknown and try to not feel fearful of it. Should be easy enough as long as that horrible nightmare keeps a strong social distance from me!